More Pagan Humor


You know you might be a redneck pagan if....

* If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any lines from any song by Lynyrd Skynyrd....
* If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb.....
* If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells on the fire....
* If the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal in a pasture....
* If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's, and a Little Debbie.....
* If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest....
* If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE-HAW!"...
* If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people....
* If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly.....
* If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart....
* If you call the God and Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, y'all! Watch me!"....
* If you call the North Quarter, but what you call it is an inner court secret.....
* If you can play the "Burning Times" on the banjo....
* If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack.....
* If you found out your familiar is an opossum -- and still ate it........
* If you have combined Maypole Dancing/ Tractor Pull/ Turkey Shoot for Beltane....
* If you have cast a love spell on livestock....
* If you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess....
* If you've ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV....
* If you've ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu.....
* If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.....
* If you invoke the spirits so that your beer lasts longer.....
* If you pray nightly to the god of big tires.....
* If you sacrifice BBQ and pork rinds on an alter made of old car hoods....
* If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "the circle is open but never unbroken"...
* If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance....
* If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club....
* If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture....
* If you worship the gods of cheap beer and NASCAR....
* If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team....
* If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker.....
* If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos".....
* If you've reached the 3rd Degree but not the third grade......
* If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley.....
* If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom......
* If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod.....
* If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag.....
* If your altar cloth is vinyl......
* If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or "Howard Johnson's"....
* If your altar has a spit cup.....
* If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the "Hollywood Walk of Fame".....
* If your anointing oil smells like Old Spice.....
* If your athame is by Bowie.....
* If your broom has 4 wheel drive and SC plates.....
* If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it....
* If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube-top.....
* If your circle dance contains the words "dosey-do"......
* If your circle dance is a two-step....
* If your coven chose its High Priest at a belching contest....
* If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks"....
* If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks.....
* If your craft name starts with "Bubba"......
* If your familiar can point quail....
* If your familiar keeps mice out of the granary.....
* If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second, and third cousin....
* If your backyard ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still......
* If your favorite painting of the Goddess does her hair like Rheba McEntire....
* If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weed whacker....
* If your most sacred altar items include a hubcap, a velvet painting, and a half-empty can of chaw.....
* If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars....
* If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and the St. Pauli Girl...
* If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"....
* If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches.....
* If your idea of a sacred circle is the Indy 500....

Well, you might just be a redneck pagan!!


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